finally,

i feel good things coming my way.

Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at.

it only took a few short, soft spoken words for you to get inside of my head.
and beneath all of the words i didn't say are all the ones i couldn't bring myself to think.
curious you are, boy.
chivalry at it's finest.


contradictory, love and lust have become old friends of mine.
i don't even know what those words mean anymore.
i won't let my guard down.
i can't become comfortable.
i'm not allowing anyone the least bit of close.
i fear being loved and being wanted,
safe and being whole.
being someone else's baby.
i thought half a year could cure me,
but i'm still wounded, and i'm weary.
and cynical even though i swore to myself i wouldn't be.
i swear i should be an actress.

surrounding my heart, walls have been built.
they speak for me and that's where the bitterness brews.


free will usually gets the best and worst of me.
i know you're already bitter towards me.
they say 'things fall apart so better things can fall together'

but truth is, somethings always falling apart.
and people walk out through the exact same doors they come in.

almosts.

just like those high notes i can't hold and the words i won't bring myself to speak.
simply, delicately, and so attractively....lingering.
they dwell, and twist my toes, my knees, and teeth.
and like you,
they are ghostly.
and just a little too out of my reach.

your skin, and your bones.

insufficient funds.
irrelevant thoughts.
i'm going off on a whim here,
and i'm tossing fear in the fucking bag. 

i'm slowly bringing myself back up.
the rut i've escaped from was alot deeper than i thought.
miles deep. brilliant shades of dark.
i fought myself those three years.
and i'm not going to discreetly or metaphorically mention how fucked up my past relationship was.
i was the realest person i've ever been and the fakest person i'll ever be.
we tore eachother apart ruthlessly,
with everything we had imaginable.


every morning stumbling my way home feeling empty, and still feeling lost.
every moment of walking away, secretly crossing my fingers, wishing that you didn't come after me.
every car ride, silently gasping for air, crying, eyes fixed to clouds that rolled parallel to us, followed by spiteful lines we knew we shouldn't have thrown.
both of our bodies succumbed as a million little pieces lying on a cold yet comforting floor.

'the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows'
woe was me.

i'm glad we've forgiven, and i'm hoping that as time goes on we can forget.
'nobody ever forgets their first.'
i pray to God i'll prove that line wrong.

it's so nice to make fun of everything i lost, and miss, and love,
but never really had.

reality has blinded me in the most beautiful ways.
i'm struck by literally everything around me.
and with a possible case off ADD, the pace my mind runs is ungodly.
i've never been quite this familiar with myself, but i'm addicted to the feeling.
i've come to good terms with knowing that i'm different from a lot of girls.
mom and dad have been more supportive of the things i've been doing.
and they don't expect me home anymore. church is voluntary.
church voluntary what? i never thought i'd live to see this day.
working my ass off has really paid off.  i've earned myself some respect.
and i've earned enough right for my dreams of going to art school and moving away and singing my lungs out to seas of people to dwell  awhile longer.
but i keep those in my head, let them keep me sound asleep at night.
and sometimes i'll catch myself smiling as i dream during the day.

i'm lost.
i'm lonely.
i'm sorry.
but more than anything, i'm undeniably happy.

---

we're not sentimental,
we're just oil filled machines,
trying not to say the things we mean.
we carry them inside us so noone can see.
they hold us down like anchors,
and they drown us out at sea.

I don't believe everything you know about me is gone forever.
I won't forget the days we spent that dark December.

haunt me, love and sweet melodies.
if only, if only.

walls start breathing, my minds unweaving

...but im still a little lost.
im still kept together by the same delicate strings,
still a wandering soul.

this room still lets me be me,
these walls still haven't spilled my secrets,
and music is still whats keeping me sane.
im still lonely all these nights,
along with still being sleepless,
and for the record, im still okay with it.

i still wish at 11:11,
and i still have good intentions.
im still living in my summer skin, and not taking a second of it for granted.

the past few days have been so great and so chill.
so many faces, and aimless drives, and pictures, and bowls,
legitamate talks, good ass mix cd's, money, goals, damn...
i think karmas done having its way with me
im finally getting my shit together
im finally figuring myself out
it's lonely and fucked up and the best feeling i've had in awhile.

i might just watch the sunrise today,

gmornin, haters
gmornin, loves.

without knowing, love

you've created yourself a home in the back of my mind.
don't know how you twisted your way into it,
and i can't say i'm glad you did or didn't,
but all i ask of you,
is to stay the way i've imagined you to be.
ha, that shouldn't be hard.
you've got no idea what you do to me, boy.

you make me think
and want to change
and want to get my shit together.

you get me speechless,
and you could mean absolutely nothing to me.

so just stay the boy you are in my dreams.
you're sweet and shy
you're a sarcastic asshole
and you're just as lost as me.

maybe someday i'll hear your damage.
maybe you'll show me your scars in exchange for showing off mine.
lucky you, i've got them everywhere.