your skin, and your bones.

insufficient funds.
irrelevant thoughts.
i'm going off on a whim here,
and i'm tossing fear in the fucking bag. 

i'm slowly bringing myself back up.
the rut i've escaped from was alot deeper than i thought.
miles deep. brilliant shades of dark.
i fought myself those three years.
and i'm not going to discreetly or metaphorically mention how fucked up my past relationship was.
i was the realest person i've ever been and the fakest person i'll ever be.
we tore eachother apart ruthlessly,
with everything we had imaginable.


every morning stumbling my way home feeling empty, and still feeling lost.
every moment of walking away, secretly crossing my fingers, wishing that you didn't come after me.
every car ride, silently gasping for air, crying, eyes fixed to clouds that rolled parallel to us, followed by spiteful lines we knew we shouldn't have thrown.
both of our bodies succumbed as a million little pieces lying on a cold yet comforting floor.

'the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows'
woe was me.

i'm glad we've forgiven, and i'm hoping that as time goes on we can forget.
'nobody ever forgets their first.'
i pray to God i'll prove that line wrong.

it's so nice to make fun of everything i lost, and miss, and love,
but never really had.

reality has blinded me in the most beautiful ways.
i'm struck by literally everything around me.
and with a possible case off ADD, the pace my mind runs is ungodly.
i've never been quite this familiar with myself, but i'm addicted to the feeling.
i've come to good terms with knowing that i'm different from a lot of girls.
mom and dad have been more supportive of the things i've been doing.
and they don't expect me home anymore. church is voluntary.
church voluntary what? i never thought i'd live to see this day.
working my ass off has really paid off.  i've earned myself some respect.
and i've earned enough right for my dreams of going to art school and moving away and singing my lungs out to seas of people to dwell  awhile longer.
but i keep those in my head, let them keep me sound asleep at night.
and sometimes i'll catch myself smiling as i dream during the day.

i'm lost.
i'm lonely.
i'm sorry.
but more than anything, i'm undeniably happy.