finally,

i feel good things coming my way.

Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at.

it only took a few short, soft spoken words for you to get inside of my head.
and beneath all of the words i didn't say are all the ones i couldn't bring myself to think.
curious you are, boy.
chivalry at it's finest.


contradictory, love and lust have become old friends of mine.
i don't even know what those words mean anymore.
i won't let my guard down.
i can't become comfortable.
i'm not allowing anyone the least bit of close.
i fear being loved and being wanted,
safe and being whole.
being someone else's baby.
i thought half a year could cure me,
but i'm still wounded, and i'm weary.
and cynical even though i swore to myself i wouldn't be.
i swear i should be an actress.

surrounding my heart, walls have been built.
they speak for me and that's where the bitterness brews.


free will usually gets the best and worst of me.
i know you're already bitter towards me.
they say 'things fall apart so better things can fall together'

but truth is, somethings always falling apart.
and people walk out through the exact same doors they come in.

almosts.

just like those high notes i can't hold and the words i won't bring myself to speak.
simply, delicately, and so attractively....lingering.
they dwell, and twist my toes, my knees, and teeth.
and like you,
they are ghostly.
and just a little too out of my reach.

your skin, and your bones.

insufficient funds.
irrelevant thoughts.
i'm going off on a whim here,
and i'm tossing fear in the fucking bag. 

i'm slowly bringing myself back up.
the rut i've escaped from was alot deeper than i thought.
miles deep. brilliant shades of dark.
i fought myself those three years.
and i'm not going to discreetly or metaphorically mention how fucked up my past relationship was.
i was the realest person i've ever been and the fakest person i'll ever be.
we tore eachother apart ruthlessly,
with everything we had imaginable.


every morning stumbling my way home feeling empty, and still feeling lost.
every moment of walking away, secretly crossing my fingers, wishing that you didn't come after me.
every car ride, silently gasping for air, crying, eyes fixed to clouds that rolled parallel to us, followed by spiteful lines we knew we shouldn't have thrown.
both of our bodies succumbed as a million little pieces lying on a cold yet comforting floor.

'the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows'
woe was me.

i'm glad we've forgiven, and i'm hoping that as time goes on we can forget.
'nobody ever forgets their first.'
i pray to God i'll prove that line wrong.

it's so nice to make fun of everything i lost, and miss, and love,
but never really had.

reality has blinded me in the most beautiful ways.
i'm struck by literally everything around me.
and with a possible case off ADD, the pace my mind runs is ungodly.
i've never been quite this familiar with myself, but i'm addicted to the feeling.
i've come to good terms with knowing that i'm different from a lot of girls.
mom and dad have been more supportive of the things i've been doing.
and they don't expect me home anymore. church is voluntary.
church voluntary what? i never thought i'd live to see this day.
working my ass off has really paid off.  i've earned myself some respect.
and i've earned enough right for my dreams of going to art school and moving away and singing my lungs out to seas of people to dwell  awhile longer.
but i keep those in my head, let them keep me sound asleep at night.
and sometimes i'll catch myself smiling as i dream during the day.

i'm lost.
i'm lonely.
i'm sorry.
but more than anything, i'm undeniably happy.

---

we're not sentimental,
we're just oil filled machines,
trying not to say the things we mean.
we carry them inside us so noone can see.
they hold us down like anchors,
and they drown us out at sea.

I don't believe everything you know about me is gone forever.
I won't forget the days we spent that dark December.

haunt me, love and sweet melodies.
if only, if only.

walls start breathing, my minds unweaving

...but im still a little lost.
im still kept together by the same delicate strings,
still a wandering soul.

this room still lets me be me,
these walls still haven't spilled my secrets,
and music is still whats keeping me sane.
im still lonely all these nights,
along with still being sleepless,
and for the record, im still okay with it.

i still wish at 11:11,
and i still have good intentions.
im still living in my summer skin, and not taking a second of it for granted.

the past few days have been so great and so chill.
so many faces, and aimless drives, and pictures, and bowls,
legitamate talks, good ass mix cd's, money, goals, damn...
i think karmas done having its way with me
im finally getting my shit together
im finally figuring myself out
it's lonely and fucked up and the best feeling i've had in awhile.

i might just watch the sunrise today,

gmornin, haters
gmornin, loves.

without knowing, love

you've created yourself a home in the back of my mind.
don't know how you twisted your way into it,
and i can't say i'm glad you did or didn't,
but all i ask of you,
is to stay the way i've imagined you to be.
ha, that shouldn't be hard.
you've got no idea what you do to me, boy.

you make me think
and want to change
and want to get my shit together.

you get me speechless,
and you could mean absolutely nothing to me.

so just stay the boy you are in my dreams.
you're sweet and shy
you're a sarcastic asshole
and you're just as lost as me.

maybe someday i'll hear your damage.
maybe you'll show me your scars in exchange for showing off mine.
lucky you, i've got them everywhere.

funny, when you're dead, how everyone starts listening

and i actually feel dead some days.
hours upon faded hours,
solely spent working my summer away for cash.
a penny for my thoughts?
or maybe a dollar to just give a fuck.

same things, on my mind, everyday.
and it just digs deeper.

this town is so washed up.
is this what i'm supposed to call home?
faces here have been turned to grey,
along with the secret places we used to escape to.
everythings just filled with smoke now.
like nothing ever really existed in the first place.

i wish i could say i'll be around,
and that i'll gradually fall back into place,
but hell would i be lying.
maybe it's because when i'm here,
i can't help but notice a little bit of you in everything.
and i'm never bitter about it...
let's just say i'm finally over it.

sometimes, i wish i was your favorite ghost.
sometimes, i'm glad you still can't figure me out.
and sometimes, i feel nothing at all, and wouldn't trade it for the world.

but for whatever reason you might come upon this,
i want to thank you for today.
although you've slowly become a stranger,
i trust you with those secrets.

thank you for seeing how uncomfortable i was on that bench,
and leading me past the fence like you used to.
thank you for reassuring me that i can still sing,
and giving me the advice i've been searching for.
thank you for knowing the look on my face,
as i hid behind my technicolored curls.

love chewed us up and spit us out cold,
and in that moment, i swear we were infinate.
yet again, still miles away, i believe we're finally comfortable.

insecurities could eat her alive

truth be told,
and i'd give anything for it not to be this way

"loves her mama's lemonade, hates the sound that goodbyes make
she prays someday, she'll find someone to need her"

but then i tell myself, it's always been this way
for years, and years
always shy, always scared, too nice, too weak,
genuine.
and i wear that smile damn well

i wish i could type what i actually wanted to type
backspace button is my closest enemy

i'll do better next time, pinky promise

i'm exhausted, goodnight

Just remember,

only God knows if I've changed.

vapor trails.

I was born with an awful curse, I see multiple versions of myself.

by see I don’t mean visualize or imagine, or anything remotely metaphorical.

I mean I fucking see them.

they live where I live.

they do everything that I’ve done.

they’ll do everything that I’ll do.

they eat, laugh, run, scream, dance, fight, fuck, dream.

are we’re all crammed in the same spinning continuum,

we all somehow think that we’re the ones running the show.

oh, how wrong we are.

sometimes I’ll go an entire week without seeing one of me,

and I’ll get lonely.

but inevitably, I end up around the very next corner,

and I become relieved at the odd company.

we run about each other like vapor trails,

brushing shoulders as we pass, knowingly making eye contact.

we’re simultaneously background casting in this movie I call my life,

my reckless journey,

my beautiful disaster,

or atleast what it's in the making of.

I said I've got the lines if you'd like to hear it,

I can't decide if you'd like to be there, too.

save your scissors for someone else's skin

oh, how things change

what are "things' anyway?

people, beliefs, feelings, passion?

its all neverending

at least it seems

looking back, im no different

and when i say that i mean im completely different

always

the past years have shaped me

and im really hoping more takes place

cause i still feel some emptiness now and then

 but its just that, that makes me feel like im living

without angst, and sorrow, and temperment

i wouldnt be strong

although im not half as strong as people think

people tell me im too nice

people tell me ive got shitty friends

tell me, whats your story?

do you have one, or are you just too busy knit picking mine?

i say, it is what it is..........

ill make changes on my own time

maybe next time will be the right time?

maybe next time, will be your time

save your strength

save your wasted time

destroy what destroys you

here's to another sleepless night

thanks to my overthinking, the 39g of sugar from my Arizona,
and the back to back kickass songs on this pandora station.


so chilled right now,
and for once in the longest time,
i actually want to be alone
and not just tonight, i need a moderately long break
from everyone and everything
i need everyone out of my business
and certainly out of my head
i just need me right now
god, it's been way too long


only a few days left here
and damn, i'm going to miss you, milwaukee
you've caused me quite some trouble,
your distance ended a few relationships,
and you're definately to blame for all the heartache,
bruises, and rough mornings
but all results from hella good times


why does there always gotta be a downfall?
honestly, college has poisoned me
i'm different once i pass the city borders
but i'm ready to turn it all around
i'm ready to get my shit together


maybe it was you who opened my eyes
i couldn't say
i couldn't know you any less
maybe you'll be my very own downfall
maybe i'll fall all over again


i'm waiting for someone to save me
and make this chaos become my old ways

i know i haven't met you yet,
but i know i need you
I need to love you, and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
i hope we come close, and i'll fear you
and be afraid to tell you all that i've done
will you be done forgiving?
or will you look pass my pretending?


lord i'm so tired of defending what i've become
what have i become?

the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned is this for real?
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend

these times are timeless...

and i'm just waiting for you to come and find me.

but im stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a secondhand pick me up

i learn more and more everyday
it sucks how i only learn from being hurt
cause when youre happy
youre too caught up and dazed 
and confused, and just high on life
or drugs
shitty
but its only made me stronger

i wonder if you'll ever open your eyes?
it's such a shame
we've all become such scattered, fragile beings
just come to your senses
and just get me

do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

chase chase chase
you're after the wrong thing, boy
blinded by lust
fucker

it's really perplexing
nobody ever really knows how bad someone else is hurting
we could stand next to someone who is completely broken
and not even know it

we all live alone
we all stand alone

i'm holding on

it's these few long hours that make me what i am

....backspace.
again and again and again
this happens everytime i come on here
what am i even trying to live up to?
probably my past.

i'm not quite sure of who i've become
or what i've become?
i keep losing myself
and finding myself in different places,
states of mind, insane amounts of joy and sorrow,
and i can't seem to get it all back together in one piece
i'm in a million little pieces
scattered
and strung together so delicately

but i always forget
we all lose ourselves
we are all broken
and we are all completely made of flaws
some consider this a bad thing
but to me, it makes life a little more thrilling


no matter how much i might deny it,
i like being imperfect
i like the freckle dead on inbetween my eyes,
and my awkward-ness, if thats a word?
i like the scar on my face that people mistake for a dimple
and i obviously like this song,
cause i think i'm on play number thirteen

i've realized that bad moods and regret
are just a solid waste of my time,
nothing ever turns out as planned,
and although change happens,
in people and everything imaginable,
some feelings stay the same.
but what i've realized the most,
is that alot of people are just heartless, mindless,
and lack passion, life,
and the things that i love most.

they're missing out.
i need to find more people that think the way i do.

shoulda woulda coulda

enough of this,

honestly

please

i'm realizing that regret's a waste of time

i'm done with shit holding me down

i'm ready to break free of my thoughts, insecurities,

and 'what if's'

fuck that

cause in all reality, life is fucking great

every single persons got a chance

and a story to write

and room to dance

so why sit around and mope

wah wah wah, who the fuck cares

almost nineteen and i've got so much ahead of me

so young and restless and careless

so screw all the feelings that hold you back

forget about who said what and just do you

why can't anyone else see this clearly

god dammit

i'll find that boy someday, someday

he'll love my foul mouth and style

hope he finds me

not too soon though

anyways,

i'd much rather be absolutely rediculous

than absolutely boring

haters gonna hate

life's a fuckin party,

and i'm learning to love every song

insert love quote here

You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day,
but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break,
her heart.
So don't hurt her, don't change her,
don't analyze, and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy,
let her know when she makes you mad,
and miss her when she's not there.

i want things to be different with this one

find a way to not be a let down,
and i'll show you what i'm worth

And as i walked,

i decided to give myself some reasons
to get over change
and keep a kind heart
and live easy
cause i've needed a chill pill for quite some time

time.. yeah
the whole idea of time pisses me off
we all waste, lose, give, sell time
like it's nobody's business
but if i'm not worth someones time,
then i guess it's their loss?
that's how i like to see things
yeah yeah head high, heart heavy

i really have no element to this
i'm just bored, but content
sometimes i worry about the future
but then my mind just kinda slips past it
that characteristic will cause me some trouble someday
but hey, i know a good tune when i hear one
and i know how to laugh, and listen, and just be
i thought that was good enough?
i also know how to ramble
currently doing it, my apologies

it's just that i have so many thoughts in my head
but when i try to lay them all down they're in a different language
i just wanna mend that gap
the one between my mind and lips
i'd probably save myself alot of trouble, effort, and time
fuck time, and loss, and sorrow
and doubt, and insecurities
even though they get the best of me

but it's whatever, everythings really whatever
i've been stuck in this dead room all day
i don't even think there's anyone in this tower
and i've been just swell all day

living life and feeling free,
isn't that how it's supposed to be?

final note,
i need warm weather
sunshine is literally my drug
ready to jump onto a new wave of happiness
who's coming with?
hope everyones ready,
peace

Hello, how are you, like your shoes, love your hair

i just really want new people in my life

just simply genuine people, do those still exist out there?

 i want someone to stick around for once

and take a wrong bus with me, just to find the way home by foot

or just ask me what my story is, cause nobody here knows

i keep telling myself that the best is yet to come.. but is it really?

i am unbelievable sick of waiting around

but right there, that's just it,
why do i keep expecting everything to just, fall into place?

cause life's not that easy for anyone, even though it may seem that way

life's like an hourglass glued to a table, and i'm done wasting time

nobody's gonna show up and tell me how to get what i want

i have to learn to be satisfied, and fearless, and alone, and natural

and once i fully grasp that i think i'll see some changes

i am so ready for change.

i am so ready to start doing things differently.

it's absolutely beautiful out today

and i get to see my sister

and tomorrow night starts the weekend

and now i'm in a great mood

i'm all smiles today

"Things" don't change,

...we change.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4f33-gDaZ30

hours to waste turns into full weeks, 

then months, then into me
 a life long disease
the gray in your hair still means hope for me
that beauty won’t be hidden easily
that truth could still hold true for me

and you, i’m missing you

 i don’t want to, but I will
see the gray in your hair, angel
your beauty can’t be covered by insecurity

i hope the same truth would still hold true for me
cause i drowned in mine.

enough said, basically.

you cannot find yourself, within yourself

let me know when you want to step outside

i'll meet you there.

You know those surreal moments?

i dont know if its just me, if i'm crazy, or if i just live in my own world
but its moments like today that i appreciate the most
where i step back and realize the simplicity of life
and the beauty of death
everythings so easy once you get on a new level
everything looks perfect from far away

i couldn't look at the pictures of you
or plaster on a fake smile and shake strangers hands, no no
no i am not okay, i had to walk away
i found a small empty room down the hall
full of windows, pretty natural lighting
and i just, sat there
thinking, reminiscing, crying, questioning, clenching, loving
hating, regretting, and loving again

i should have visited you more, im sorry
last time i saw you i rubbed your bald head, kissed your cheek
and whispered i love you
i cant complain about that being my final memory of you
i dont know how many times i heard today
"he loved you so much, you were his favorite"
he was my favorite, too.

but all i have left of you are a few worn out photos,
and i can hear your voice inside my head
i hope it never leaves..
i already miss you
i miss you is not enough

i'll meet you at the pearly gates
all of my love;

if you can hold on, hold on

i've never really known the right time to smile,
and i'm always unsure what to do with my hands

but i'm a good listener
and i've got all of the time in the world


oh hey, it's 11:11
make a wish and kiss something blue
time to waste wishes on someone new

Who's to say

where i should step

what i should grasp barehandedly

which road to stumble down

who's to be there, just to watch me fall

no doubtedly becoming lost

following words like trees

natural, being free

who's to say youre good for me

who made you king of anything

ill push the pull these messes in life
ill strive to develop another side

ill look within, and beyond

and light up with song and dance

rhythm, movement, metronome

sculpt myself as if i'm a piece

find the world within

swing hand in hand with my thoughts

so romantic, i'll always be

my hands are restless, though

and im artlessly content now and then

i dip into each word with care

the perfect words?

a perfect fit?

oh no, such thing isnt there

atleast for the time being

so i'll create something, simplicity at its best

i love where im at
body, mind, and soul

ready, steady,
i tell you, dear
watch this disaster become beautiful

Waaaaake up

God im just a mess of contradictions
i listen to every word im told,
but listening and following along dont mean the same thing.
but im taking it all in, every spoken sentence, drunk and sober,
im here and i think im starting to get it, grasp it.
im truely sorry for these rough spaces
and for the fact that ive been trying to patch them up
with even more mistakes

i gotta get ahold of myself,
head high and heart heavy,
keep on keepin on, i swear i will
you people have never meant more to me than you do right now,
at this very moment, all these insomniac nights,
and in all this static space.
you guys have a good idea of what im feelin lately,
but even that i cant put it into words,
dont know if ill ever be able to..

all i know is that im through with fucking so much shit up,
between myself and everyone around me,
ive done enough to cover an entire year of mistakes,
take that a squeeze it all into one short month.
fuuuuuckk. ive gotta fix my foul mouth too, maybe?
not the biggest of my worries

i hope you know im never lettin you out of my life,
youre the sister that i got to choose by will

i dont want you or anyone else to be afraid to approach me,
with anything

so lets fuck shit up, in the best way possible
take over this town, cause baby were only this young and presh once

and i love you like hell! and always will
dont ever forget that

sincerely yours.

I built you a home in my heart

with rotten wood,
that decayed from the start
cause you cant find nothing at all,
if there was nothing there all along.


love it when a song describes something so damn perfectly?
im lucky enough to come across this more than once


one of those mornings where i ask
what the fuck happened last night?
this has to stop happening dammit
i think i keep doing this
because of how much i know you would hate it?
rough, rough, rough
the word to describe how things have been lately

just woke up with this half written post
and a pink slip in my hand
kind of looks like a drinking ticket
last thing i remember i was listening to TEN
and telling my life story
and head banging
what the fuck?
whatsup headache?

lets face it, this is never what i wanted
the things we do just to keep ourselves alive

Cross me once, shame on you

cross me twice, shame on me

it's funny, ironic, and pretty sad actually
that you think i'd even consider letting you back in
after all the twisted words and lies
that have made me learn to hate you
or hate myself for letting you pass by
im putting these four walls up again
but not to keep you in this time
i want you out, gone, non-existant
wish i could erase my memory
wish you'd accept one of the million times,
that ive said goodbye.

so go and try to hurt me, ive been there before
i might have even stayed with you,
for the fact of how sour and shameless you are when were apart
fuck. that. looking back makes me sick to my stomach.
on the bright side,
im kinda sorta immune to you now
your decietful little tactics
and your intricate way with words
ive learned from my mistakes
ive learned from you
i keep sincerely asking you to leave me alone
and let go
but you cant? you wont let yourself?
not really keepin up with you there,
youre still confusing as shit.

but your not my problem anymore,
and soon enough
ill be someone elses baby
but no rush
no, no rush at all

broken faith and wasted breath,
photographs are all thats left.

Your lips look a little lonely

would they like to meet mine?

cheeeeesy, who cares.

dear quiet boy,

who uses pretty words

sketches on desks

plays piano,

or maybe the guitar

and brushes my hand with his fingertips

as i complain about the weather
and smiles, smiles, smiles

where the hell are you?

i'd love to meet you
i'd love to spend some time with you

i'd love to be the girl that gets the player,

and gets him to quit his game.

“sail with me into the setting sun, 

the battle has been won, but war has just begun

and as we grow, emotion starts to die

we need to find a way, just to keep our desire alive.”

-senses fail

Keeping it real in comparison to what?

i've been having the time of my life
finally doing things for myself, and its never felt soooo good
who knew how much you held me back from being this happy
i guess the good times mustve been the times i missed?
baby youre pretty, but im pretty sure im over you

i wish this city never slept
i wish it wasnt so damn cold out
i wish i hadnt have lost my new coat over this drunken weekend
haha dammit, can i have a million more wishes?

but as for shit getting 'real'
ive never been more prepared or pumped
i hope everyone around me knows how crazy its gonna be
i just really wish it was spring
just so summer can be a few inches closer
cant wait for chicago, sundresses, and barefeet on warm pavement
mmmmm, fast forward button? preaseee?
haha dream on, rach

as for  potential lovers out there
don't complicate me by hesitation
you've got wits, you've got looks
you've got passion,
but I swear that you've got me all wrong
come find me

and as my friends go
i cant tell you bitches enough how much you mean to me
ill be here cause i know you need it
even though you might not deserve it
but ive been there before, and i know that only time can mend
youre so lost and dazed, jkashf i feel your pain.
looking for the future and begging for the past
i hope these good times last

so cheers to a new semester
new faces and places
and everything inbetween

i'm holding onto a fairytale,
were moving forward, but we're not there yet

I put all of my faith

INTO ALL OF YOUR BULLSHIT.



I can't even type, say, scream 'fuck you' enough times
to actually express how much i hate you
and your voice, your awkward step
and the past two and a half years i put up with you
When you see my face
hope it gives you fucking hell

And now i'm gonna be bitter
about boys that are even just an inch like you
and love, in general
Can't wait til you hear about me
Can't say im not gonna get a little out of hand

Cheaters never win, bitch.
Hope she was worth it.

You know i've got you like a puppet in the palm of my hand

first impressions and pounding walls
they're paper thin and i just wish you'd call
and say the words i've been waiting for
i might hear them afterward
but it won't matter then
shit


dont blink, cause they wont even miss you at all
i'll be there just to watch you fall


i can't see you when you're facing the wrong way
not just gonna turn you around and force things to be okay
because somethings lacking
and you're breaking day by day
im an actress when it comes to tranquilty
im a fool when it comes to love

countlessly destructing yourself and the ones around you
they'll find you out sooner or later
how many times will you break til you shatter?
pathetic, and not sorry for being rude or blunt or mean
cause you were a thousand times worse
check yourself before you wreck yourself, boy

so run like hell
sleep with one eye open
i can't forgive or forget you
i'll tell everyone the damage done
deep down you can't stop me
i've got nothing to lose

Never thought we'd get to this point

avoiding the eyes i used to lose myself in?

handshakes instead of hugs,

and last words instead of conversation.


maybe by the time i see you next, i'll actually like coffee
chai seems to give me a stomach ache.
or maybe it's just you.

I wish i wasn't so bad at taking compliments

Sittin in Bruegger's, enjoying breakfast before going to mil
and laughing about nothing really

soooo, the usual?

Chelseas in sweats and im reppin a t-shirt and a beanie

both kinda lookin like hell, it was pretty early

An old lady who had been sitting across from us

approaches us and says,

"Excuse me girls, i didn't mean to be staring... but

it's really nice to see that there are still girls out there
that are naturally beautiful

i mean, you girls could just roll out of bed and still look wonderful

you two have a nice day"

nicest thing a strangers ever said to me?

i think so

thanks for the uplift you old hoot

I wonder how I'll stay strong. I'll keep driving these dark highway lines

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnLULIGekIA

speaking through lyrics for awhile
i'm alright with this

9.17.08

but it's hard sometimes, to make everything seem alright

watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love, but rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along. 

i promise you it was worth it.

Somehow it's enough

you pretend that you're sorry
and i pretend that words can mend
but you're not
and they don't

but i'll keep wearing this fabricated smile
begin a thousand meaningless conversations
hold my breath and wait for your reaction
lose myself in your blank eyes
and pretend that we're still strong

i think you're wrong
i think i'm wired this way

Leave your things behind, it's all going on without you

Cmon. Please listen to me?
You gotta let go of life
of routine

and always being stuck in the same place again
feeling like you're wasting your time
feeling awkward
inadequate
being this young and already feeling shriveled up and dead
let go of the emptiness that holds over you

fuck anger
fuck bitterness
and not being numb enough
this song that's stuck in my head
self-loathing
feelings
reasons
fuck not making sense


You make me want to get my shit together
I'm positive I could say this in a more romantic way
but i'm just gonna leave it at that
And i wouldn't want it any different

'Smoke and mirrors' is an understatement

for how ive been feeling the past few weeks
i dont know if its just because im back in this town
correction; ghost town
but im begging to just slip away from all of it
this place, and my thoughts, pretty much all of my surroundings
physical and mental
i wanna free fall, out into nothing


i keep saying to myself
"its just a phase, itll blow over soon"
but im beginning to realize, that shit is changing whether i like it or not
i think it started awhile ago, i must have been too busy to watch it happen
im falling down again
for you?
alskdjfskdfjaskdjfsjdhafjashdfkjsd

quite honestly, i dont really wanna think, talk, question..... any of it.
nobody really seems to give a damn anyway,
but ya know im used to it
im artlessly content

i hold my breath and sigh, and pass the one i cant deny

one day i know everything inside and out and the next its like it was all just a dream
if only i could sleep all day
well, maybe 20 out of the 24 hours
gotta eat and socialize, haha
coolthanks.

So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing.....captivating

I am vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself


on to the next one